Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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