You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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