i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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