Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize