I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
