cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
