i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
