When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
