Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
