def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
