So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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