During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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