when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
