Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
