i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
