So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
