Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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