I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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