so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
