You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I am one with the molecules
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
