I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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