another moral hangover. fuck.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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