Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
