after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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