You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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