I wish my penis had an off switch
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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