I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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