you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
