It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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