Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
