My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize