Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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