am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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