i already hear my dad disowning me
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
