apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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