she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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