if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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