I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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