He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
