my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
