I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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