my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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