I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
People in love make me want to vomit
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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