Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
