I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
