Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
