im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
