im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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