if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
