Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
