The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
