tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
