I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
