Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
