This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
