I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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