when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
